This house is about to get crazy!!!

Okay, so I know what some of you are thinking ... "Isn't the Logghe house already crazy?" Why yes, it is! So maybe a more fitting title would be that our house is about to get a little crazier!

We have a new football/wrestling coach at the local high school here. Oh, phy ed teacher too! He is from a town in our neighboring state of MN, about 1 1/2 hours from our little rural city. He and his wife have 4 children, and they haven't been able to sell their house in MN yet to fully move here. Since the end of August, "coach" has been living here during the week with his eldest son, "Big C", a 4th grader, so they don't have a 3 hour round trip drive to/from school each day. It has been going really well, it's nice to have someone else in the house - especially a man, who can take care of bats and intruders! (ha, not like we are inviting either!)

There have been some major life changing events within their family in the past 2 weeks. Things that really make it necessary for their family to be together - not split apart for the majority of the week. Since the 3 hour round trip drive is still not possible, what are we to do??

Invite their entire family to live with us, of course!!!

And that's when the crazi*er*ness begins!

New roll call for our household will be: Me and my mom, of course ... Coach, his wife (who we will call H), their eldest daughter (referred to as Sister C) - a 6th grader, their youngest daughter (named K) - a 1st grader, "Little C" - the youngest boy, who is 18 months old, and of course Big C, the 4th grader. (I think I have myself confused ... did they have to name 3/4 of their kids C names?? lol)

They are a very sweet, loving, caring family. I'm not sure when all the moving will happen, but soon, as the girls need to get enrolled in school here as soon as possible. I am looking forward to them moving in, as I heard H is a great cook, I'm already attached to Little C, and I think it will be good to have more than just mom and I here all the time.

My Dad would be in his glory, having all these people here to talk to and entertain! Even if we did have reservations about doing this, which we don't, we know it's what my Dad would want - he would open up our home to them in a heartbeat.

So it's on! I'm picturing reality-TV-like-Logghe-living for awhile. You know ...

"It might be a crazy life, but it's our life!"

Casting Crowns

I have been looking forward to this concert for a long time. I bought my awesome second row seats months ago, and have been patiently waiting for the date to arrive.

Last Thursday night, I finally got to see Casting Crowns live ... and it was amazing. A wonderful night of singing and worship! I have forgotten how to change the settings on my camera to take decent pictures during a concert, and didn't want to waste time playing around with it too much. But I did get a few good pictures!







I walked away from the concert with a lot of things on my mind ... but good things. Things to think about and ponder. I also walked away with a renewed faith, and a reminder that only God knows the plans He has for me - I just need to wait for them to be revealed.

All God's Creatures

On Sunday, I went to the MN Zoo with my sister and her 2 little ones. As we walked around and saw all of the animals, birds, amphibians, etc., I was reminded how great God's creation is. Then we entered the butterfly house ...





I learned that a butterfly only lives for 2-4 weeks. "Seriously???" I thought. Such beautiful, delicate creatures only live that long?? I was amazed ... and then reminded of how fragile life is. Reminded that I need to appreciate my life, while I'm here, appreciate the things I'm able to do, and appreciate the people in my life.

And in other news - I'm going to the Casting Crowns concert at the MN State Fair tonight. I'm super excited!! I've seen their concert special on tv, but haven't been to a live concert yet. Love their music, and can't wait to see them live!

Odds n' Ends

Phew, it's been awhile! Almost 3 weeks since my last post ... and when I published it, I vowed to myself that I would start blogging more regularly, have thought of a lot of things in the past few weeks to blog about, but just didn't get up the time and energy - at the same time! - to actually sit down and blog!

And of course, now that I do have a little bit of time, I can't think of a thing to write. Go figure! Things have been busy, a lot of end of the summer fun to be had. My mom went back to school this week, and all the kids go back to school next week.

Work has been extremely busy, and I've been putting in some extra hours. It helps keep my mind occupied - and it's been tiring me out! Work has been good though ... I had my yearly review, got my raise, and have joined a couple extra things to get more involved.

I went with my Mom a couple weeks ago shopping, we took all of the school-aged kiddos in the family shopping for school supplies. It was a riot! We were armed with lists for all of them, they each got their own cart - which they were ecstatic about, and got to pick out their own things. There are 4 of them - 5th grade, 2nd grade, 1st grade, and kindergarten. It was so much fun watching them pick out everything they wanted, and seeing my Mom so happy and excited in doing it all! We were a sight to behold ... we took up basically the entire back to school section in Target! After filling up their carts, they each got to check out themselves, and Grandma gave the money to pay the cashier. It was such an experience, it was a blast for all of us!

It's set to be a busy weekend. The MN State Fair one day with one sister, and the MN Zoo another day with another sister! Hopefully I'll have some cute pictures of the little ones when the weekend's over. :)

Hope everyone has a wonderful, blessed weekend!

"How are you doing?"

Ah, the million dollar question. If only I had a million dollars for every time I've been asked this! ha But seriously ... I continually get asked this on a daily basis. And I continually give the same answer. "I'm okay." It's the easy answer. An answer that won't require getting hit with a barrage of questions. An answer that won't make the asker feel obligated to follow up with those questions.

But how am I really doing?

An honest answer - not so great. Some days are better than others, but the majority of the time I feel like I'm simply putting on a show and acting like everything is hunky dory. But it's not. I spend most nights laying in bed crying, or thinking about Dad and remembering the things we used to do together. I've been keeping myself in this bubble, trying not to let anyone in, trying to be strong for Mom. I guess I'm just good at hiding it all. I don't know if I want to be good at hiding it anymore, but at the same time I'm scared of what will happen if I don't.

I have yet to spend a night in our motorhome without crying before going to sleep. I sleep in the big bed with Mom in the back, and before I fall asleep the last thing that goes through my mind is always that I shouldn't be laying there. That I would give anything for Dad to be in my spot, and for me to have to take my usual place out on the uncomfortable sofa bed. But yet again, I'm good at hiding it - because Mom has never once caught me.

I've also put myself in a bubble as far as my friends go. I stay at home, not wanting to do much, comfortable with just spending time with Mom. And that's great - I love spending time with her. But I think I've just been afraid that I will have to talk about everything if I do go out. I've realized this in the past month, and have really started to try and break that cycle. My trip to Nashville, a night spent at a friend's house, dinner and drinks with a co-worker. It's been really nice to get out, and I realize how much I kinda miss it.

I want to "burst" the bubbles I've put myself in. Talk to someone about my bad days. Discuss what I'm feeling with someone else, and cry on someone else's shoulder. I just don't know how. But I'm trying, and I guess that's better than nothing!

Never Forgetting ...

A week ago I spent some much needed time away with some great friends in Nashville, TN. I had a wonderful time ... worshiping at Fellowship Church, eating at Pancake Pantry, doing some shopping, visiting the new Show Hope offices (awesome!), and of course - playing games!

Over the weekend, I found myself starting many sentences with the same phrase: "My dad ..." Unintentionally, I was inserting something about dad in almost every conversation. I don't remember talking about him quite as much before March. I realized it was because even though he's not with us anymore, I don't want anyone to forget him. I don't want to forget him. I know I never will - but talking about him somehow makes him feel closer, somehow ensures that we will never forget such an amazing man.

I thank God I had such a wonderful Daddy. And even though he went to heaven much too soon, I am blessed to have had him in my life for the time I did. I need to continue reminding myself that ... it's what helps get me through some rough days.

If Only ...

Last week was a rough week - continuing on into this week. I'm not sure why I'm having such a hard time of late. Maybe it's because now that summer is here, it is finally hitting me that he's really gone. I can't pretend he's on a trip anymore, or still in AZ. I picture his face, bright smile and twinkling eyes, and I'm reminded that I will never see that face again. Or at least not for a long time. I really can't pick up the phone and call him. I can't ask him about my 401K at work that I just got a letter on. There will be no more Brewers game with Dad, no more shopping for Mom with him, no more camping or grilling out over the summer.

We camped over the weekend, and all weekend I was painfully reminded about the simple things that I can't ask him anymore. We also had some big family events - on Friday it was Drew's birthday party, and Sunday was Langston's baptism. He would have been so proud, attending all the festivities with a big grin, playing the part of the picture perfect doting "bapa."

The other night on my way home from work, a song came on the radio. It was a song by Steven Curtis Chapman, titled, "Miracle of The Moment". The song begins with these lyrics:

It's time for letting go,
All of our if only's
'Cause we don't have a time machine.

And even if we did,
Would we really want to use it?
Would we really want to go change everything?

I thought about these simple lines, and broke down in tears. Because the truth is, YES. I would want to use a time machine. I would love to go back to the beginning of March, and change the life altering events that transpired in that month. I have a lot of "if only's" regarding that time ...

If only ... I had pleaded with Dad to go to the ER on Saturday night, after he called and said he had bronchitis - and I had a feeling, I just KNEW it was something more than that - instead of waiting until Sunday

If only ... I had talked to him earlier on Sunday, and had realized how sick he was that day

If only ... I had talked to him about how he was really feeling when we first arrived in AZ, instead of talking about and making plans for when he got out of the hospital

If only ... I had talked to the pulmonologist more about a breathing tube when he first mentioned it, instead of being too scared to ask the right questions, afraid of getting the answers I didn't want to hear

If only ... I had spent the night with him the night before he stopped breathing, since he was getting worse - would I have had the nerve to request a breathing tube be put in, saving him from coding?

If only ... I wasn't so afraid of switching to a trach, and had listened to his wonderful nurse Tammy and requested it be done

If only ... I didn't have to be caught in the middle, a nurse knowing what was going on but still afraid to ask the right questions - the daughter in me terrified of what the answers might be

Would any of it have made a difference? If I had done even just one of those things, would Dad still be with us today? Would it really have changed the course of the last 3 months?

I know I need to stop beating myself up over everything, because it was out of my hands. But for the past week, I've only been able to picture Dad laying in his hospital bed, breathing tube in, monitors beeping, IV's running, being poked more times than a pin cushion, and wondering what I could have done differently to obtain a better outcome.

Deep down, I know there is nothing I could have done. Nothing that would have made any of this different. But that doesn't make my mind stop thinking all of it. It doesn't make my heart hurt any less, or the days any easier to handle. It hurts so bad, and I miss him so much ... so I do continue to wish for that time machine. And yes, I really would want to use it.