One year

March 17th, St. Patrick's Day, marked one year since Dad passed away. St. Pat's Day will never be considered lucky in this family. Here is the caring bridge post I wrote on that day.

Don't be mad, if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes.
'Cause everyday, it's sinking in
And I have to say good by all over again.
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now.
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you.

I have asked, the questions why,
But I guess the answer's for another time.
So instead I'll pray with every tear,
And be thankful for the time I had you here.

And I wanna live my life just like you did.
Make the most of my time just like you did.
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did, so until I get there ...

Save a place for me.

~Matthew West

One year ago today, I was in Arizona, being told that Dad wasn't making it. This time, he hasn't beaten the odds. And we had to make the hardest decision of our lives - to let Dad go.

We've had a rough year of ups and downs, we've made it through all the firsts. But somehow, it feels like the "second's" won't be any easier. I feel like the shock is wearing thin, and the realization that I'll never see him this side of heaven again has finally set in. So in a way, this next year will still be a year of firsts. Some days it feels like it will never get any easier, and other days I do really well. It sure is a rollercoaster.

Life has moved on for everyone, but in our house time is still standing still. I can still hear the sound of Dad's voice, expect him to walk in the door, pick up my ringing phone in hope that it's him. Deep down, I know those things will never happen - but in my heart I want them to.

We are slowly starting to pick ourselves up, it seems like we have more good days than bad lately. Today was one of the bad days. We all got together as a family tonight, it was great to be together. We went through some things in Dad's closet, remembering the things he wore the most - some things from the 80's were still in there I think! - and laughing about some of the crazy things he wore. The memories flowed easily, and so did the tears. It was a nice ending to a not-so-nice day, being able to celebrate Dad's life and the legacy he left for all of us.

And on that note, I'm changing this blog. It basically started as a place to express my feelings regarding my loss - but I haven't done so well keeping up. So I'm changing it over to a life/family/fun blog! We always have crazy happenings going on at our house, I'm always traveling somewhere, and I'm hoping to start learning more about my camera - and taking more pictures. And I want to try "Project 365" this year, starting on my birthday - just 10 days away! So we'll see how this all goes. I'll still write about Dad every once in awhile - but it won't be the focus of this blog anymore.

Maybe I'm not cut out to have a blog - if not, oh well. I enjoy it when I do post, so hopefully I can turn it into more of a regular habit.

Here goes!!!

Happy Birthday Dad

Happy Birthday, Dad. I wish you were spending it with us instead of in heaven this year.

You would be 68 years old today. It's been 8 months that you've been gone, 4 days shy actually. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, miss you, miss something in my life without you there.

I miss your infectious smile.

I miss hearing your voice.

I miss your hugs.

I miss being able to call you when things aren't right in my world.

I miss calling you for directions, no matter where I am.

I miss planning surprises for mom with you.

I miss you taking care of anything and everything for me.

I miss you teaching me about everything.

I miss our shopping days together, talking you into buying something for the house, or for mom, or buying something just because I think we need it.

I miss camping with you.

I miss bandaging up your scrapes - and scolding your for not being more careful.

I miss your cooking.

I miss going to football and baseball games with you.

I miss picking out and planting flowers with you.

I miss going on trips with you.

I miss you as my designated driver - or me as yours.

I miss hearing your stories - no matter how many times you told them.

I miss hearing about your crazy plans, trips, and ideas.

I miss you always knowing what to say to make me feel better.

I miss the way you always "bragged" about your wife, children and grandchildren to anyone who would listen.

I miss talking to you, minimum of once a day.

I miss you visiting me at work.

I miss your requests to go shopping to buy "in style" jeans and clothes.

I miss packing you for your trips at midnight the night before a 6 am flight.

I miss labeling your dress shirts, ties, and pants so you made sure you had the matching combination.

I miss your yellow spray painted line in the driveway to show us where not to park - if we didn't want to get backed into.

I miss your collecting of travel sized anything from all of your trips.

I miss you getting mad at me for doing things on the computer instead of showing you how.

I miss worrying about you.

I miss you running around on your scooter.

I miss the way you could always talk yourself out of things.

I miss you snoozing in the recliner.

I miss you being the leader of this Griswold family.

I miss being able to always count on you for anything.

I miss what a wonderful, proud grandpa you were.

I miss the way you never thought any food was old or outdated - no matter how much green stuff was growing on it.

I miss hearing you call me by my nicknames.

I miss your presence in this big house.

I miss everything about you ...

But most of all, I just miss my daddy, and being your little girl.



Happy Birthday daddy. I love you.

Leaps and Bounds

When I started back to work, I asked to not have any patients with pneumonia or in the end stages of life. I just couldn't handle it. Baby steps first - I eventually started taking patients with more stable pneumonia, the ones not on oxygen or doing poorly. It went okay, each day getting a little easier. It brought back some memories, of course ... all the different antibiotics, breathing treatments, basically a lot of the same things they were doing for Dad in Arizona. Only on my patients, they were helping.

I worked over this past weekend, and apparently thought the baby steps were overrated - and started on my leaps and bounds. I took a patient who I knew was in the end stages of her life, quite possibly might not even make it through my shift. I thought that was a big step in itself ... but then not too far into my shift, I had to have a conference with my pt's family regarding her care. She was unresponsive to begin with, and when her blood sugar became extremely low I had to speak with them about not treating her hypoglycemia ... that her doctor and I felt it would be too hard on her, and that this was her body's way of shutting down. (mind you, the patient had already been on hospice and the family new she was dying)

I was nervous - I surely couldn't break down in front of this poor family! I sucked it up, dove right in, and it went well. We all agreed on a plan of care for the pt, and that was that. It was later that I broke down. I went in to turn the pt, and she all of a sudden woke up a little bit and was doing some communicating with her family. I stepped back to the outside, to let them have time with the pt. while she was awake and coherent. Then it hit me. This family didn't know how lucky they were to have some last time with her. To get to hear her voice again, see her eyes, hear her answer them. The tears started to well up, then started to fall, and I had to leave the room.

Because I never got to do any of that with Dad. I never got to tell him good bye. I never got to see him awake one more time, to hear his laugh, see his smile, see that mischevious glint in his eyes. I never got to exchange another I love you with him. Of course even when he wasn't responding, we talked to him - and I know he heard us. And I know he knew I loved him, we always told each other - and I have no regrets where that is concerned. But it all happened so suddenly, it just feels like we got cheated out of time with him, time to say our last good bye's and words to each other.

"Those who live in the Lord never say good bye for the last time."

My Mom has used that quote for years - I believe starting when my aunt lost her son suddenly, over 20 years ago. I need to keep reminding myself of that - and I need to look forward to being able to say hello to him, when we get to spend eternity together - and never have to say good bye ever again. It's hard, to have to keep reminding myself of that. Because it all hurts so badly, and I would do anything to have him back. My heart is hurting right now, it seems more broken than ever. And sometimes I wonder if it will ever get any better.

One Month

One month ago today, we buried my Dad. It still doesn't seem real. I vividly remember giving him one last kiss, whispering in his ear, and watching as they closed the casket. The last time I ever saw my "Dad." I know, I still see him in pictures, in my mind, in my memories. But when they put that lid down, it was more real to me than ever that I would never see him again ... at least on this side of heaven. Ultimately, if everything I believe is true, then I must remember that I WILL be with him again someday. I will talk to him, hug him, and be his little girl again. It's just hard to remember that, when I want so desperately to talk him right now - I don't want to wait until eternity.

Dad attended cardiac rehab faithfully for the past 15 years at the hospital where I work. He has been lobbying for a long time for the rehab facility to be moved to a different part of the hospital - a bigger, roomier area, with actual windows to look out while working out! It was finally happening, and he never got to see it. Cardiac Rehab at RCMC moved into their new facility this week, and I am just so sorry that he never got to attend rehab in their new location - he was looking SO forward to it! I haven't been able to make my way over to see it for myself - I don't know that I want to see what Dad is missing out on. In a way it's a blessing that it has moved, because their old room was right across from our cafeteria. So it's nice that I no longer have to walk right by the room where I always used to see him.

Okay - I don't want this to become a "Debbie Downer" blog! I have been down in the dumps and heartbroken a large part of the month, but there have been some ups as well. For instance, my nephew is going to be the crown bearer at the local high school prom tomorrow night, pressed tux and all! He is going to be adorable - and I know he will steal the show. Hopefully pictures by this time tomorrow night! Also, my sister is due - as in, having a baby - any day now. It is so exciting! She is due April 29th, she's been having some small contractions, but nothing noteworthy as of yet. She wants that baby out NOW, so hopefully I'll have news about that soon!

One last thing ... something that's been on my heart and my mind lately. I have a chance to go on a missions trip this summer with Shaohannah's Hope to Guatemala for a week to visit an orphanage and see more of God's amazing "hidden treasures." I so badly want to go, but I don't know if I'll be able to. First of all there's the finances. I am in debt up to my eyeballs ... I would like to use my tax return to fund the trip, but Mom thinks I need to put that towards bills - some of which I'm already behind on since being on personal leave without pay for a month. She's got a point, but I keep picturing the children's faces and feeling in my heart that I want to show them the love and hope they deserve. Please pray that I am able to make the decision God wants me to make, that He will ultimately guide me in the right direction.

And please pray that I start to actually get some sleep! This 2-4 hour/night stuff is really wearing me out!

Fear Not

Today, my daily devotional talks about fear. It tells me that 90% of what we fear never comes to pass. My first thought was, REALLY?? I have always been a worrier. I'm not sure why, it's not like I'm a glass half empty kind of gal. I guess in some ways, I just don't like the unexpected - yet in a lot of ways I love surprises. Figure that one out. In reading today's message, two phrases come to mind ... "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." and "God never gives you something you can't handle."

Being honest here, right now it all seems like crap. My worries and fears right now are outweighing everything else. How will I get through this grief of losing dad? How can I make it without him? He took care of a lot of things for me - and was always there for me. I talked to him no less than once or twice a day, no lie. What do I do now when something is wrong, when I have a bad day, who will I call when I want to talk about things? Selfishly, one of my big fears right now is my wedding (provided that I ever do get married) ... who will walk me down the aisle?? I have dreamt of that day since I was little, I even knew what song I would have as I walked down the aisle, and what song we would dance to at the reception. A wedding is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life, but I can't help but think and fear that my wedding day will be a day of great sadness because of one missing person.

I have many other fears that have plagued me my entire life. Fear of failure. Fear of disappointing my Mom and Dad. Fear of being alone, of not finding my "soulmate." Fear of never having any children. Fear of not giving my children the wonderful life and experiences my parents were able to provide for me. One of my biggest fears is in the 10% that came to pass - losing my Dad too soon. Fear of not figuring out what I want to do with my life. And now that I have, fear of choosing the wrong thing. Fear of making a mistake at work, because ultimately I am responsible for people's lives.

Rather than focusing on my fears, I need to think about what these fears are preventing me from doing. What they are stopping me from accomplishing. When I was little, my Mom used to put the "fear of God" in me - or at least the fear of the wooden spoon! - so that I would obey her, and not misbehave. Is satan so sneaky as to put all of these fears in my head, so that I will obey him, and miss out on what God is calling me to do? Where He is leading me?

Today, I will try to live without fear, without worries. I will not think about the future, I will think about the here and now. I've lived through worries and came out on the other side just fine, so I need to teach myself to push those worries and stresses aside, and focus on the good things - focus on getting through one more day.