Thursday, April 8, 2010

One year

March 17th, St. Patrick's Day, marked one year since Dad passed away. St. Pat's Day will never be considered lucky in this family. Here is the caring bridge post I wrote on that day.

Don't be mad, if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes.
'Cause everyday, it's sinking in
And I have to say good by all over again.
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now.
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you.

I have asked, the questions why,
But I guess the answer's for another time.
So instead I'll pray with every tear,
And be thankful for the time I had you here.

And I wanna live my life just like you did.
Make the most of my time just like you did.
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did, so until I get there ...

Save a place for me.

~Matthew West

One year ago today, I was in Arizona, being told that Dad wasn't making it. This time, he hasn't beaten the odds. And we had to make the hardest decision of our lives - to let Dad go.

We've had a rough year of ups and downs, we've made it through all the firsts. But somehow, it feels like the "second's" won't be any easier. I feel like the shock is wearing thin, and the realization that I'll never see him this side of heaven again has finally set in. So in a way, this next year will still be a year of firsts. Some days it feels like it will never get any easier, and other days I do really well. It sure is a rollercoaster.

Life has moved on for everyone, but in our house time is still standing still. I can still hear the sound of Dad's voice, expect him to walk in the door, pick up my ringing phone in hope that it's him. Deep down, I know those things will never happen - but in my heart I want them to.

We are slowly starting to pick ourselves up, it seems like we have more good days than bad lately. Today was one of the bad days. We all got together as a family tonight, it was great to be together. We went through some things in Dad's closet, remembering the things he wore the most - some things from the 80's were still in there I think! - and laughing about some of the crazy things he wore. The memories flowed easily, and so did the tears. It was a nice ending to a not-so-nice day, being able to celebrate Dad's life and the legacy he left for all of us.

And on that note, I'm changing this blog. It basically started as a place to express my feelings regarding my loss - but I haven't done so well keeping up. So I'm changing it over to a life/family/fun blog! We always have crazy happenings going on at our house, I'm always traveling somewhere, and I'm hoping to start learning more about my camera - and taking more pictures. And I want to try "Project 365" this year, starting on my birthday - just 10 days away! So we'll see how this all goes. I'll still write about Dad every once in awhile - but it won't be the focus of this blog anymore.

Maybe I'm not cut out to have a blog - if not, oh well. I enjoy it when I do post, so hopefully I can turn it into more of a regular habit.

Here goes!!!