Saturday, August 29, 2009

Odds n' Ends

Phew, it's been awhile! Almost 3 weeks since my last post ... and when I published it, I vowed to myself that I would start blogging more regularly, have thought of a lot of things in the past few weeks to blog about, but just didn't get up the time and energy - at the same time! - to actually sit down and blog!

And of course, now that I do have a little bit of time, I can't think of a thing to write. Go figure! Things have been busy, a lot of end of the summer fun to be had. My mom went back to school this week, and all the kids go back to school next week.

Work has been extremely busy, and I've been putting in some extra hours. It helps keep my mind occupied - and it's been tiring me out! Work has been good though ... I had my yearly review, got my raise, and have joined a couple extra things to get more involved.

I went with my Mom a couple weeks ago shopping, we took all of the school-aged kiddos in the family shopping for school supplies. It was a riot! We were armed with lists for all of them, they each got their own cart - which they were ecstatic about, and got to pick out their own things. There are 4 of them - 5th grade, 2nd grade, 1st grade, and kindergarten. It was so much fun watching them pick out everything they wanted, and seeing my Mom so happy and excited in doing it all! We were a sight to behold ... we took up basically the entire back to school section in Target! After filling up their carts, they each got to check out themselves, and Grandma gave the money to pay the cashier. It was such an experience, it was a blast for all of us!

It's set to be a busy weekend. The MN State Fair one day with one sister, and the MN Zoo another day with another sister! Hopefully I'll have some cute pictures of the little ones when the weekend's over. :)

Hope everyone has a wonderful, blessed weekend!

Sunday, August 9, 2009

"How are you doing?"

Ah, the million dollar question. If only I had a million dollars for every time I've been asked this! ha But seriously ... I continually get asked this on a daily basis. And I continually give the same answer. "I'm okay." It's the easy answer. An answer that won't require getting hit with a barrage of questions. An answer that won't make the asker feel obligated to follow up with those questions.

But how am I really doing?

An honest answer - not so great. Some days are better than others, but the majority of the time I feel like I'm simply putting on a show and acting like everything is hunky dory. But it's not. I spend most nights laying in bed crying, or thinking about Dad and remembering the things we used to do together. I've been keeping myself in this bubble, trying not to let anyone in, trying to be strong for Mom. I guess I'm just good at hiding it all. I don't know if I want to be good at hiding it anymore, but at the same time I'm scared of what will happen if I don't.

I have yet to spend a night in our motorhome without crying before going to sleep. I sleep in the big bed with Mom in the back, and before I fall asleep the last thing that goes through my mind is always that I shouldn't be laying there. That I would give anything for Dad to be in my spot, and for me to have to take my usual place out on the uncomfortable sofa bed. But yet again, I'm good at hiding it - because Mom has never once caught me.

I've also put myself in a bubble as far as my friends go. I stay at home, not wanting to do much, comfortable with just spending time with Mom. And that's great - I love spending time with her. But I think I've just been afraid that I will have to talk about everything if I do go out. I've realized this in the past month, and have really started to try and break that cycle. My trip to Nashville, a night spent at a friend's house, dinner and drinks with a co-worker. It's been really nice to get out, and I realize how much I kinda miss it.

I want to "burst" the bubbles I've put myself in. Talk to someone about my bad days. Discuss what I'm feeling with someone else, and cry on someone else's shoulder. I just don't know how. But I'm trying, and I guess that's better than nothing!

Monday, August 3, 2009

Never Forgetting ...

A week ago I spent some much needed time away with some great friends in Nashville, TN. I had a wonderful time ... worshiping at Fellowship Church, eating at Pancake Pantry, doing some shopping, visiting the new Show Hope offices (awesome!), and of course - playing games!

Over the weekend, I found myself starting many sentences with the same phrase: "My dad ..." Unintentionally, I was inserting something about dad in almost every conversation. I don't remember talking about him quite as much before March. I realized it was because even though he's not with us anymore, I don't want anyone to forget him. I don't want to forget him. I know I never will - but talking about him somehow makes him feel closer, somehow ensures that we will never forget such an amazing man.

I thank God I had such a wonderful Daddy. And even though he went to heaven much too soon, I am blessed to have had him in my life for the time I did. I need to continue reminding myself that ... it's what helps get me through some rough days.