Thursday, April 30, 2009

It's a Boy!!!

I am the proud new auntie of another precious baby boy! Christa had her baby last night, April 29th, at 11:05 pm. I present to you:

Langston Charles Walz
8 lbs. 13 oz. 20 in.

The extremely proud and excited big sister:

My new little bundle of joy!

That makes the count 5 nephews and 1 niece now - yikes, all the boys! Mom and baby are both doing great, and will be going home tomorrow.

Isn't he just the most precious little thing you've ever seen?!?!?!

Monday, April 27, 2009

Crown Bearer?? More like Dance Captain!

Update: The music got muted through YouTube. So some of you may have watched the video - and wondered why you had to mute the music at the bottom for a silent video! I have re-uploaded it, and it should be good to go ... with music!

Saturday night was the high school's Junior Prom. My nephew, Drew, had been chosen to be the crown bearer ... which turned out to be oh so much more!

He had to wear a tux, which he was extremely handsome in. He let me do his hair - but not too wild, he had to watch in the mirror the entire time to make sure he liked it! And he had to escort the little girl crown bearer throughout the gym - who happened to be his cousin Aubrey. He did an amazing job, and in my opinion, stole the show! (I'm not biased or anything. Nope, not at all.)

Here he is, waiting patiently to do his job ...

Doing a good job multi-tasking ... presenting the crown, and escorting his "date!"

After getting the job done is when the fun began! The music started, and all caution was thrown to the wind. And I must say that not only is he a handsome, excellent crown bearer - but he is a mighty fine dancer as well! Ladies, watch out!

(You will need to go to the bottom of the page and mute my other music)

Where did he get those moves from?!?!

Friday, April 24, 2009

One Month

One month ago today, we buried my Dad. It still doesn't seem real. I vividly remember giving him one last kiss, whispering in his ear, and watching as they closed the casket. The last time I ever saw my "Dad." I know, I still see him in pictures, in my mind, in my memories. But when they put that lid down, it was more real to me than ever that I would never see him again ... at least on this side of heaven. Ultimately, if everything I believe is true, then I must remember that I WILL be with him again someday. I will talk to him, hug him, and be his little girl again. It's just hard to remember that, when I want so desperately to talk him right now - I don't want to wait until eternity.

Dad attended cardiac rehab faithfully for the past 15 years at the hospital where I work. He has been lobbying for a long time for the rehab facility to be moved to a different part of the hospital - a bigger, roomier area, with actual windows to look out while working out! It was finally happening, and he never got to see it. Cardiac Rehab at RCMC moved into their new facility this week, and I am just so sorry that he never got to attend rehab in their new location - he was looking SO forward to it! I haven't been able to make my way over to see it for myself - I don't know that I want to see what Dad is missing out on. In a way it's a blessing that it has moved, because their old room was right across from our cafeteria. So it's nice that I no longer have to walk right by the room where I always used to see him.

Okay - I don't want this to become a "Debbie Downer" blog! I have been down in the dumps and heartbroken a large part of the month, but there have been some ups as well. For instance, my nephew is going to be the crown bearer at the local high school prom tomorrow night, pressed tux and all! He is going to be adorable - and I know he will steal the show. Hopefully pictures by this time tomorrow night! Also, my sister is due - as in, having a baby - any day now. It is so exciting! She is due April 29th, she's been having some small contractions, but nothing noteworthy as of yet. She wants that baby out NOW, so hopefully I'll have news about that soon!

One last thing ... something that's been on my heart and my mind lately. I have a chance to go on a missions trip this summer with Shaohannah's Hope to Guatemala for a week to visit an orphanage and see more of God's amazing "hidden treasures." I so badly want to go, but I don't know if I'll be able to. First of all there's the finances. I am in debt up to my eyeballs ... I would like to use my tax return to fund the trip, but Mom thinks I need to put that towards bills - some of which I'm already behind on since being on personal leave without pay for a month. She's got a point, but I keep picturing the children's faces and feeling in my heart that I want to show them the love and hope they deserve. Please pray that I am able to make the decision God wants me to make, that He will ultimately guide me in the right direction.

And please pray that I start to actually get some sleep! This 2-4 hour/night stuff is really wearing me out!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Fear Not

Today, my daily devotional talks about fear. It tells me that 90% of what we fear never comes to pass. My first thought was, REALLY?? I have always been a worrier. I'm not sure why, it's not like I'm a glass half empty kind of gal. I guess in some ways, I just don't like the unexpected - yet in a lot of ways I love surprises. Figure that one out. In reading today's message, two phrases come to mind ... "If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it." and "God never gives you something you can't handle."

Being honest here, right now it all seems like crap. My worries and fears right now are outweighing everything else. How will I get through this grief of losing dad? How can I make it without him? He took care of a lot of things for me - and was always there for me. I talked to him no less than once or twice a day, no lie. What do I do now when something is wrong, when I have a bad day, who will I call when I want to talk about things? Selfishly, one of my big fears right now is my wedding (provided that I ever do get married) ... who will walk me down the aisle?? I have dreamt of that day since I was little, I even knew what song I would have as I walked down the aisle, and what song we would dance to at the reception. A wedding is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life, but I can't help but think and fear that my wedding day will be a day of great sadness because of one missing person.

I have many other fears that have plagued me my entire life. Fear of failure. Fear of disappointing my Mom and Dad. Fear of being alone, of not finding my "soulmate." Fear of never having any children. Fear of not giving my children the wonderful life and experiences my parents were able to provide for me. One of my biggest fears is in the 10% that came to pass - losing my Dad too soon. Fear of not figuring out what I want to do with my life. And now that I have, fear of choosing the wrong thing. Fear of making a mistake at work, because ultimately I am responsible for people's lives.

Rather than focusing on my fears, I need to think about what these fears are preventing me from doing. What they are stopping me from accomplishing. When I was little, my Mom used to put the "fear of God" in me - or at least the fear of the wooden spoon! - so that I would obey her, and not misbehave. Is satan so sneaky as to put all of these fears in my head, so that I will obey him, and miss out on what God is calling me to do? Where He is leading me?

Today, I will try to live without fear, without worries. I will not think about the future, I will think about the here and now. I've lived through worries and came out on the other side just fine, so I need to teach myself to push those worries and stresses aside, and focus on the good things - focus on getting through one more day.

Somewhere in the Middle ...

The start of my third blog ... this one is significantly titled "Somewhere In The Middle," after the Casting Crowns song by the same name. I actually was trying to choose between that title and another, "Stained Glass Masquerade." The words in both songs in some way fit my life right about now.

My father passed away on March 17th, 2009, after battling pneumonia for 2 weeks in the ICU. I was very close to my dad, very much a daddy's girl - the youngest of 4 children. I spent those 2 weeks at my dad's bedside, not only as his daughter - but also as a nurse, having to relay any and all information to the rest of my family. At that time, I was caught "somewhere in the middle" - in the middle of wanting to know exactly what was going on - good or bad, yet wanting to be just a daughter, hoping her dad would beat this illness, and not have to know and understand all of the complications and medical implications of what was going on.

And now after his death, I have found myself "somewhere in the middle" again. Wanting so badly for life to be the way it was 2 months ago, when I was able to call my dad just to talk at any given moment. Yet knowing I can't, and trying to find my new normal - a life without him.

I have never been good at journaling, let's be honest - I hate to write. Or at least, I hate to write with pen and paper. But I don't mind typing, and lately I've felt that maybe writing about my thoughts, fears, hopes, wishes, will in some way help me get through all of this. I sometimes feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to about everything right now - crazy, I know, since I have a long list of family and friends that I could call at any given moment. But in my mind, I just can't talk about what's going on in my head with them - instead I need to talk about it here. With myself. And just get it all out, where no one - or anyone - can read it. As I type this, it seems strange to me to not be able to talk to the people closest to me, yet I'm plastering my feelings on the world wide web. For some reason though, it just seems "right."

It is getting late, I should be in bed, and I'm in tears ... how I end most of my nights these days, in the quiet of my room where I'm consumed with memories and thoughts of my dad. Wondering if I did all I could, asked the right questions, requested the right tests ... but that's a different post all in itself.

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You’re making me
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You’re by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I’m caught in the middle