Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Perfect Faith?

I read a quote last week in my daily devotional, and it has stuck with me for the long haul. Continually I think of this quote, especially through all that is going on in my head the last few months. The quote?? It's by Beth Moore ...

"We won't walk in perfect faith for the rest of our lives, but we can walk in prevailing faith."

This message has meant a lot to me - and has helped me get through a lot of my own thoughts since I read it. I have been struggling through where my faith lies at this point in my life, because I'm not as "perfect" with my faith as I would like to be, and I'm not as "perfect" in my faith as others that I know or others around me. This quote spoke to me ... letting me know that it's okay, I don't have to have that perfect faith that I've longed for for so long. But if I have prevailing faith, a faith that leads me to Him through all of life's ups and down's, then that's enough - and that I'm right where I need to be.

My faith has definitely been tested the past 2 months. I have gone through all of the questions ... most of all, the why's - why him? why my daddy? why at that time? why in that way? why so soon? I have found myself questioning my beliefs, questioning everything I've been taught for the past 27 years. At the end of every day, I realize that in order to get through everything - in order for my questions to be answered, in order to see my daddy again someday, then my faith needs to stay intact. I need to continue to believe in Him, even though everything in me right now is so angry with Him, and wants to scream and ask him my questions. Every once in awhile, for just a split second, I want to NOT believe. To not have faith, to just throw down everything and give up.

Then I realize that my faith is what has helped me get this far, and I wouldn't be where I am today without it. It's not a perfect faith - but it has been a prevailing faith, no matter how hard it has been tested lately. I need it to hold onto right now, I need something there to get me through the rough times.

We got Dad's death certificates in the mail - finally! - this week. Not that I was in a rush to receive them, there's just a lot of business that needs to be taken care of that we need them for. Anyways, there were three things listed ... 1. Bacterial pneumonia, unknown source 2. Failure to thrive 3. Ischemic cardiomyopathy

The first one is what hurts the worst. The cardiomyopathy - we've known for years he has that. It's what we always thought would end up taking his life. When in fact, it was the pneumonia. Of an unknown source. The why's return yet again. Why couldn't they figure out what bug he had? Why wouldn't any of the 4 antibiotics he was on help it? Why could they never figure out what was happening, what caused it, and how to get rid of it?? I can't help but still continue to think that if only they had figured it out, Dad would still be with us today. And it makes me angry as hell that with the medical advances being made, they couldn't figure out why my Dad was so sick.

So yet again, I'm back to that faith. I need to have faith that the doctors did everything they could, that all the tests that could have been done were, that it simply was just his time - time to end his suffering, his pain. I try to believe it - but darnit, sometimes it's just so hard.

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