Sunday, August 9, 2009

"How are you doing?"

Ah, the million dollar question. If only I had a million dollars for every time I've been asked this! ha But seriously ... I continually get asked this on a daily basis. And I continually give the same answer. "I'm okay." It's the easy answer. An answer that won't require getting hit with a barrage of questions. An answer that won't make the asker feel obligated to follow up with those questions.

But how am I really doing?

An honest answer - not so great. Some days are better than others, but the majority of the time I feel like I'm simply putting on a show and acting like everything is hunky dory. But it's not. I spend most nights laying in bed crying, or thinking about Dad and remembering the things we used to do together. I've been keeping myself in this bubble, trying not to let anyone in, trying to be strong for Mom. I guess I'm just good at hiding it all. I don't know if I want to be good at hiding it anymore, but at the same time I'm scared of what will happen if I don't.

I have yet to spend a night in our motorhome without crying before going to sleep. I sleep in the big bed with Mom in the back, and before I fall asleep the last thing that goes through my mind is always that I shouldn't be laying there. That I would give anything for Dad to be in my spot, and for me to have to take my usual place out on the uncomfortable sofa bed. But yet again, I'm good at hiding it - because Mom has never once caught me.

I've also put myself in a bubble as far as my friends go. I stay at home, not wanting to do much, comfortable with just spending time with Mom. And that's great - I love spending time with her. But I think I've just been afraid that I will have to talk about everything if I do go out. I've realized this in the past month, and have really started to try and break that cycle. My trip to Nashville, a night spent at a friend's house, dinner and drinks with a co-worker. It's been really nice to get out, and I realize how much I kinda miss it.

I want to "burst" the bubbles I've put myself in. Talk to someone about my bad days. Discuss what I'm feeling with someone else, and cry on someone else's shoulder. I just don't know how. But I'm trying, and I guess that's better than nothing!

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