Friday, April 24, 2009

One Month

One month ago today, we buried my Dad. It still doesn't seem real. I vividly remember giving him one last kiss, whispering in his ear, and watching as they closed the casket. The last time I ever saw my "Dad." I know, I still see him in pictures, in my mind, in my memories. But when they put that lid down, it was more real to me than ever that I would never see him again ... at least on this side of heaven. Ultimately, if everything I believe is true, then I must remember that I WILL be with him again someday. I will talk to him, hug him, and be his little girl again. It's just hard to remember that, when I want so desperately to talk him right now - I don't want to wait until eternity.

Dad attended cardiac rehab faithfully for the past 15 years at the hospital where I work. He has been lobbying for a long time for the rehab facility to be moved to a different part of the hospital - a bigger, roomier area, with actual windows to look out while working out! It was finally happening, and he never got to see it. Cardiac Rehab at RCMC moved into their new facility this week, and I am just so sorry that he never got to attend rehab in their new location - he was looking SO forward to it! I haven't been able to make my way over to see it for myself - I don't know that I want to see what Dad is missing out on. In a way it's a blessing that it has moved, because their old room was right across from our cafeteria. So it's nice that I no longer have to walk right by the room where I always used to see him.

Okay - I don't want this to become a "Debbie Downer" blog! I have been down in the dumps and heartbroken a large part of the month, but there have been some ups as well. For instance, my nephew is going to be the crown bearer at the local high school prom tomorrow night, pressed tux and all! He is going to be adorable - and I know he will steal the show. Hopefully pictures by this time tomorrow night! Also, my sister is due - as in, having a baby - any day now. It is so exciting! She is due April 29th, she's been having some small contractions, but nothing noteworthy as of yet. She wants that baby out NOW, so hopefully I'll have news about that soon!

One last thing ... something that's been on my heart and my mind lately. I have a chance to go on a missions trip this summer with Shaohannah's Hope to Guatemala for a week to visit an orphanage and see more of God's amazing "hidden treasures." I so badly want to go, but I don't know if I'll be able to. First of all there's the finances. I am in debt up to my eyeballs ... I would like to use my tax return to fund the trip, but Mom thinks I need to put that towards bills - some of which I'm already behind on since being on personal leave without pay for a month. She's got a point, but I keep picturing the children's faces and feeling in my heart that I want to show them the love and hope they deserve. Please pray that I am able to make the decision God wants me to make, that He will ultimately guide me in the right direction.

And please pray that I start to actually get some sleep! This 2-4 hour/night stuff is really wearing me out!


Princess of Power said...

Sarah. First, your blog looks fabulous. Love the colors, layout etc. Second, writing it all out has always helped me. It will also be helpful to chronicle your healing here. Don't worry about it being Debbie Downer, eventually you will find a balance of happy and sad and then before you realize, the happy stuff will outweigh the sad. It just takes time. I am adding you to my blogroll!

Cara said...

I remember that last time I saw my is still hard to think about it. I remember those days as if they moved in slow motion. I would do anything in the world to go back and get to say one more "i love you". It has been three years since he passed, but I can't say it is easier. I know too the things he has missed out on, his son's and daughter's wedding and the birth of his first grandchild. I hope you find peace in writing things down. Journaling has worked for me also, but I am not brave enough to let others see it. God bless you as you deal with this diffucult time; please let me know if there is anything I can do to help!!!