Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Somewhere in the Middle ...

The start of my third blog ... this one is significantly titled "Somewhere In The Middle," after the Casting Crowns song by the same name. I actually was trying to choose between that title and another, "Stained Glass Masquerade." The words in both songs in some way fit my life right about now.

My father passed away on March 17th, 2009, after battling pneumonia for 2 weeks in the ICU. I was very close to my dad, very much a daddy's girl - the youngest of 4 children. I spent those 2 weeks at my dad's bedside, not only as his daughter - but also as a nurse, having to relay any and all information to the rest of my family. At that time, I was caught "somewhere in the middle" - in the middle of wanting to know exactly what was going on - good or bad, yet wanting to be just a daughter, hoping her dad would beat this illness, and not have to know and understand all of the complications and medical implications of what was going on.

And now after his death, I have found myself "somewhere in the middle" again. Wanting so badly for life to be the way it was 2 months ago, when I was able to call my dad just to talk at any given moment. Yet knowing I can't, and trying to find my new normal - a life without him.

I have never been good at journaling, let's be honest - I hate to write. Or at least, I hate to write with pen and paper. But I don't mind typing, and lately I've felt that maybe writing about my thoughts, fears, hopes, wishes, will in some way help me get through all of this. I sometimes feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to about everything right now - crazy, I know, since I have a long list of family and friends that I could call at any given moment. But in my mind, I just can't talk about what's going on in my head with them - instead I need to talk about it here. With myself. And just get it all out, where no one - or anyone - can read it. As I type this, it seems strange to me to not be able to talk to the people closest to me, yet I'm plastering my feelings on the world wide web. For some reason though, it just seems "right."

It is getting late, I should be in bed, and I'm in tears ... how I end most of my nights these days, in the quiet of my room where I'm consumed with memories and thoughts of my dad. Wondering if I did all I could, asked the right questions, requested the right tests ... but that's a different post all in itself.

Somewhere between the hot and the cold
Somewhere between the new and the old
Somewhere between who I am and who I used to be
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me

Somewhere between the wrong and the right
Somewhere between the darkness and the light
Somewhere between who I was and who You’re making me
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Somewhere between a whisper and a roar
Somewhere between the altar and the door
Somewhere between contented peace and always wanting more
Somewhere in the middle You’ll find me

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

Lord, I feel You in this place and I know You’re by my side
Loving me even on these nights when I’m caught in the middle

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